The hardest part of creating something out of nothing is having faith that it will work out.
It may be quick and easy. For me that's choreography.
I'm not the best dancer in the world, having never trained in any official capacity, but I've made it a living and I choreograph with ease and confidence. I trust the process. If I don't connect with the song I discard it until I find the one that speaks to me.
Once found, I listen to the song over and over again. I listen with earphones keeping it internal so I can hear the nuance of the music and understand where the energy is. I start small, the energy in my sternum, feeling the movement from the center of my body as it travels up to a visual notebook I have in my head. I start the song over and over again.
It's a very specific process. It's my own process. I have faith in it.
Each pass of the song the picture starts to form as an energy blob. That's the only way I can think of to describe it. As I repeat the song, in about 15-20 listens, I start to be able to see it.
Specific moves. I will sometimes get out of the car, or try a move out in the aisle of Rite Aid. Today I quietly moved while waiting in line at the Kaiser pharmacy while I picked up prescriptions. I look a bit like I'm having an epileptic fit of sorts. Sometimes people notice.
After about 30 listens it begins to form.
All in my head. I try it at home and fix some of the movements that looked better in my mind. That's the first, second and third draft.
I take it to my class and teach the fourth and fifth draft. I teach what I have and add and subtract the split second before I continue on based on tiny 'moments" I notice from my class. My job is to edit, simplify, and at the same time push them just beyond their capability.
I've done this for 18 years, having literally choreographed two dances a month. That's a lot of practice and it's second nature to me. I have very little fear surrounding it.
When it comes to writing I don't have as much practice despite my published material. I was wondering today why not? It struck me that I basically wrote both my musicals in a manic state.
I don't feel that now I assume because of medication I am now taking and need to rely on something else to push me forward. That's a scary realization. The mania is the drug I think I need to create.
Instead of the haze of fast paced energy that gets me to the next level I need to learn to rely on something else.
I'm not allowed to do anything else this month besides writing on this here blog. It's part of my Simple 30. Thirty days of monastic living, doing the same thing each day to get a grip on my Bipolar 2. For the most part I have done well and it shows. I am even, calm, and able to stay in the present.
I think simply writing about what comes to me each day has been a worthy practice that will pay off in the end. I am practicing my faith in writing.
I decided yesterday that after these 30 days I will go back to writing musicals and give it another go. I have three in my brain that I think are trying to get out and one that is almost 3/4 of the way there. I'm a bit nervous that I'll get trapped into writing what I think other people will want to hear rather than what my heart wants to write.
But if I can apply the same faith and trust I have in dance to the process of writing I think I'll have found a way forward, carrying my talent with something I've never had before. Patience.
I have learned this month that we are here on this earth a precious amount of time. I spend too much time worrying about the end of my time and have lost sight of faith.
You must have faith in your ideas and make every moment move you one step closer to your vision. You must have faith in your own uniqueness. You must do it your way not worry about how someone else did it. You must have faith that your own path will work out.
At first it's a blob of ideas. Then a first draft, a second draft, third, fourth and perhaps twentieth, each on the way to something special if you allow it.
I think I get that now.