I've seen the articles circulating around the interwebs highlighting the fact that so many of us lady types are having a midlife crisis in our 40's. Through recent conversation with friends and okay okay gossiping about others, it seems there are a multitude of small little creeping fears that sneak up in our mind and in our hearts from time to time.
Or maybe minute by minute. You decide.
Some are just tiny little mother f*ckers.
You know, petty little thoughts that we don't care to admit. Others are thoughts we push out of our minds because they could be life altering if we were to indulge for too long.
Don't worry you don't have to admit them. I'll do it for you.
Blame it on social media, women taking on high powered roles but still contributing 75% of the home effort, having babies older, starting careers late, drinking too much coffee after lunch or anything else you can think of and boom! Midlife crisis.
Maybe you've got it together. To that I say I'll have a cup of what you're having.
For the rest of us read on.
You might not relate to the following at various points in your 40's. I'm guessing you have a girlfriend who has. Perhaps you've had these thoughts but have suppressed them way way down deep inside that c-section scarred tummy you're keeping flat with the double stretch lycra pants from Lulu. It's okay I won't tell anyone.
I wear them too.
1. We feel we are running out of time and quickly becoming irrelevant
It's easy to feel like everyone around you is younger, fresher, and has so much more time to get sh*t done. But I have news. 25-30 year olds are feeling the opposite of us. They're worrying about whether or not they should even want to get married. If they're waiting too late to have babies? Not wanting to have a baby at all and having to tell their parents. Maybe they want to have a kick ass career before they have anything and then look around and realize they're wrong.
They're just laying the groundwork for their midlife crisis just like we did. We just didn't know it at the time.
2. We multi-task in our head, all day long, all night long
While I take my kids to gymnastics I can be found listening to a podcast, texting my husband to ask him if I can use the AMEX card, planning out what's for dinner, wondering if I'll have time to go the gym, and remember that my son has a report that he was supposed be doing for the past two weeks and it's due tomorrow.
I might also decide to drop my five year old at ballet, a 45 minute long class. Naturally, I run to Peet's to get a pick me up. Dash to Whole Foods to grab some organic chicken thighs. Order a green smoothie because I didn't eat any vegetables today. Hop in the car with five minutes to spare. Realize I don't have gas. Stop for gas and throw out the drawings my five year old has asked me never to get rid of. Pick the raisins out of the floor mats. Think about how I wish I was one of those people with a spotless car. Mentally note I should go to the carwash in the morning before it gets too busy. Realize I have two minutes to get to ballet but it's a 5 minute drive. Get back to the ballet class where another mom is putting on my daughter's shoes and looks at me saying, "You weren't here so I just went ahead and put on her shoes for her."
3. We think about where we thought we'd be at this point in our lives
At this point in our lives we thought we'd be driving the car we always imagined ourselves in or lost the weight we've been trying to lose for ten years. We didn't think we'd be living paycheck to paycheck asking our partners if we can get a new dress for a wedding instead of paying the water bill and then considering going to Nordstrom, wearing it, taking it back, because no one will ever know and everyone does it.
Except me. Not me. I don't do that.
Well I've done it twice.
Okay okay, thrice.
4. We think about that woman who has it all, and then find out she's five years younger
This one is so annoying. You know the one. Hair done perfectly in the morning, as in f*ckin HOT ROLLED curls. She drives a Land Cruiser Sport, white obviously. She doesn't have to work because her husband recently sold a company that makes micro chips for snowboarders.
She's starting her own organic baby tofu cheese line, and bt-dubs, is maybe considering having another child because she has several more years until her eggs are powder. And worst of all, she's nice. What a bitch.
Okay, now I'm the bitch. Let's move on.
5. We think about our ass, arms and thighs and the jiggly-ness that is occurring
I waved at someone the other day and my 11 year old literally laughed and I mean guffawed and then pointed at my arm flap. I literally almost slapped him. I didn't even know I had that. Guess I need to do some more weights and less cardio. Or maybe I can just go to that bio freeze place and pee and poop out the fat. That sounds better. It's a thing you know.
6. We think about our careers and wonder if it's too late to find our passion
My friends with steady rockin' awesome corporate jobs that pay six figures wonder if they should stay home and start a champagne in a sippy cup business.
My friends who are stay at home moms wonder if they should scrap it all to help their husband make money and go back to practicing law. As an added bonus they could wear cute pencil skirts and a fresh white blouse.
Did I just say blouse? Is that like, still a thing?
Those who have passion project jobs worry that it's not passion filled enough. Many of them spend money on their passion filled jobs and feel guilty it is not a job, but rather a hobby and it's sucking them dry.
My friends who are rich still worry about what job they should be doing even when they're well, RICH and could do anything they want.
You know what this all proves? That the rich one should take us ALL out to dinner. Preferably at her time share in Cabo, obviously.
7. We are terrified as we watch our kids move from small time problems to big time problems
Little kid mistakes are basically little kid sized. Spilling OJ on newly Swiffer wet jet floors or taking a spill on their bike. Big kid problems start to loom large over our psyche and we find ourselves worrying about all the life altering decisions that will soon be out of our control. Sex, porn, eating disorders, driving, even worse driving and texting, and for f*cks sake, pregnancy. God I hope my children are late bloomers. Somehow I think not.
8. We wonder if we are still in love with our partners or if a friendship is good enough
Marriage goes through all sorts of ups and downs. Most of us inevitably will cross this bridge at some point. I have friends who are waiting until their kids are 18 and are outta there. A few think that even uttering the word divorce will commit them to something. There are those that say they would never ever even consider it and think any other woman who does is selfish.
There's the woman who is thinking that her husband has already moved on because he's getting texts and going into the next room and you know what she doesn't care so much.
Then there are women who are receiving those texts from another man and are okay with it because it's just an emotional sorta thing.
There's just a lot. And who knows what to worry about? I'm not gonna tell you.
I used to be fairly judgmental about a lot of this. Now that I've been 18 years married, I'm not quite as dramatic. Thoughts are sometimes just thoughts and life is just sometimes life. We all do the best we can. Mistakes are made. Marriages are broken. Marriages can survive. Best not to be too dramatic. What seems terrible today might not feel quite too bad in a week, a month, or maybe even five years.
9. We worry are we drinking too much alcohol in order to have sex with our partners
This sort of goes with the above doesn't it? I say go for it if you can handle the calories, are not an alcoholic, or if it isn't morning sex. That's just weird to me. If you have to get up and gulp down three glasses of mimosas in order to have morning sex maybe something's going on there. Just sayin'.
I actually wondered this about me recently because I couldn't drink anything due to medication. I got into the routine of loosening up with alcohol, because like so many others, it's easy to think of it as a chore before the actual doing of it. Maybe a little buzz helps the buzz if you get what I'm buzzin' about.
The point is I don't think it hurts that much, but sometimes a good book will do the trick.
10. We worry we are drinking, eating, exercising, smoking, what-ever-ing too much in order to relieve some of the pressure
We all got our habits. Mine is sugar. My body should literally not be having ANY sugar. And yet get me next to a bag of sour gummy bears at 9 pm on a Tuesday after dance class and I'm gonna down those. It's even worse if I'm dieting, starving at 2pm and drive into the gas station where I literally pop into the convenience store for a pack of red vines.
NOT twizzlers. I'm not an animal.
11. We wonder if we are being too hard on our kids
Are we yelling at them too much? Scarring them forever like our dad did to us? Should we make them play piano because they have got to learn an instrument? Should we keep them at home more in the afternoons and let them have the childhood we had? Should we make them play soccer because they wanted to sign up for it and now they've changed their minds but we need to teach them to stick to something?
12. We wonder if we are being too easy on our kids
Are they never going to learn to clean their room because we're doing it for them? Did I f*ck up because I told her she was grounded for the weekend but feel sorry for her now and let it go? Should I send my child to Kumon for an additional 3 hours of homework after school like the whiz kid down the street? Should they not be watching YouTube because studies show it melts their minds, hearts and souls?
13. We wonder at what point do we officially move from cool mom to just mom mom
If you're wondering this, it's probably already happening. I wear a fanny pack when I walk. Enough said.
And a whopper of a bonus for you: We worry about wanting more out of life and in the end disappointing ourselves
This sorta wraps back around to number one doesn't it? It just always feels like there's so much to do and so many options for us in modern day life that it's maybe easier to do nothing at all. We worry that one day, in the not-too-distant future, we're gonna pop our heads up from pining over other peoples lives on Facebook and realize we've wasted it all away.
Well that's cheery isn't it?
The good news is there is comfort in remembering that we are all thinking about these sorts of things. Oh god. I hope it's not just me? Is it just me? Guys?
Is it just me?
No. I don't think so. Phew.