I want to go off my meds.
When I said this to five of my closest confidants they all had the same reaction.
"Isn't that what most people that have your type of problem say?"
Um, yes? It is. Or so I gather. That's what I've heard in all the movies.
And yet I don't quite feel like most people. I've also heard people in movies say that.
I would say I have a tinge, a smidge, a scoache (I don't know how you spell that word but I think you get it?) of mania.
Okay I know I lost 18 pounds and yes I didn't eat for a year but again I was still lucid and aware that I wasn't able to eat. I did go off my rocker one, two or three nights, but that was mainly due to a mismatch of drugs alongside my mania.
I don't know.
What comes first? The chicken or the egg? The drugs or the mania? The mania or the drugs? Is the immune condition causing my symptoms or the bipolar drugs? It's truly frustrating and when I talk to any of my eight doctors it's even more maddening as they run around telling me to take Gas x.
It's complicated. I'll spare you the deets.
I know what came last week. Depression. Big time.
My metabolism has slowed, I can't exercise with enough strength and my tummy looks like I'm about to give birth to a medium sized cantaloupe.
That's where the Gas x comes in, get it?
I literally look like one of those people walking slowly in the Prozac commercials. And the character on the screen hasn't even taken the Prozac yet! That's the BEFORE! I'm the before and the after at the same time.
That is not how I can be the rest of my life.
I'm a walking cliche saying I can do it on my own aren't I? Yep.
Currently 1/2 the people in my life think I really really need them and the other half think I'm misdiagnosed and hormonal and making this up even though it's come from two separate psychiatrists. I've learned people don't always believe in psychiatry.
It's a thing.
I can see both sides. I really can't win in my own brain. Some might call it bipolar, huh?
Here's what I know now.
I need to wait, take a breath, get my health back as my body is out of whack from either the medication or something else going on.
I was surprised to hear so many of my close friends have such big concerns when I said I was going to give this a go on my own. They obviously noticed more than I thought. That is indeed something to think about. I understand that.
I also think these same friends will immediately have the guts to tell me if I'm starting to cycle rapidly.
I'm not sure I'll know until I see what happens when I'm off, so let's give this a go shall we?
It seems like the cleanest and clearest decision to make at this point.
Thanks for listening on what has been an intensely stressful week and it's only Monday. Thank god for the sun today.