It feels somewhat ridiculous to "come out" on Facebook as someone who has just been diagnosed bipolar 2.
Mostly because I hear people say, "I don't really go on there, I don't even care about it" and yet they seem to know what I ate last night for dinner. Taco salad if you're wondering.
Or, "Oh I just check it once in a while, I use it mostly for business." But in deeper conversations I hear, "It makes me feel bad about myself, I wonder why others have so much more, how much money do you think they make?" an on and on.
We also use it as a way to get back at each other. I've been known to put out the passive aggressive post that's actually aimed at one person.
Just me? Now I'm embarrassed.
I have, on more than one occasion, let loose, ranted, and in general voiced my frustration with the frickin' news and MULTIPLE persons have thought it was directed at them. Oddly, on each occasion that I've found out about this, it was not addressed to them. Maybe they see it as a reflection back at them? Boy that's deep. You're welcome.
Facebook has changed our lives for better or worse. Kinda like that Australian boyfriend who followed me from NYC to Cali and ran up a $200 Blockbuster (RIP) bill when he house sat for a neighbor.
What can I say? I liked his accent.
It is on FB that so many things happen. We constantly compare ourselves to each other, our democracy was literally hacked in this last election because of crazy Russian bots, and it always reminds us of what we don't have. Ugh, I'm completely stressed out now.
One of the ways I started to figure out that something was going down mentally for me was the ranting and raving I was doing on this god-love-it-hate-it platform. Close friends and family mentioned it politely while smiling at me through gritted teeth. I could see it. I could feel it. I was not able to control it. After about a year of having a full meltdown in front of everyone-well everyone online-AND in person-I like to go big in life- I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2.
And don't get huffy. I wasn't diagnosed because of what I was doing on FB...no no, this was a long time coming, but it was indeed a clue into my psychiatrist(s), I have two, yep, and my therapist. I've just got one of those.
The decision to say something
I am at a point in my life where I'm tired y'all. I've literally been sick for 25 years and the last thing I need is to spend energy hiding something as big as mental illness from people who are friends, students, fans, and often, dare I say it, see me as a leader. Okay maybe not always a leader, but def know I have a big mouth and I'm not afraid to use it.
It was scary. It still is scary. At school drop off I wonder to myself-does that chick think I'm crazy? I saw a woman this morning looking at me kinda funny and thought, uh-oh she read my FB post! Uh-oh she read my blog! Or perhaps she saw a pic of me playing Britney Spears and thinks I'm a stripper.
Side note-I would have made a great stripper-but I've got cellulite now. I blame my grandmother. Thanks a lot Mamma. (RIP to you and your cellulite).
So on New Year's Eve, when EVERYONE was posting life changing, self-affirming statements towards their 2018 goals- btw-I was silently judging them- I thought "Hey! I don't want to be left out! I want t be judged too! Waaaaaaaahhhhh! Let's call it a giant case of FOMO.
That's fear of missing out for you non-abbreviation types. Lol. Omg. WTF-my absolute fav, obvi.
To be honest I'm not sure I would have done it if I hadn't had a glass of wine or two...okay three. I sat there in my red snuggly onesie while we watched the ball drop-at 9pm East Coast feed -and quietly, so no one would change my mind, spilled my guts out.
Then I read it over and over again trying to decide if I should hit the post button.
Then I sat on the toilet and edited more.
Then I maybe finished my wine, can't remember.
And hit post.
Then immediately thought about all the people that were like "My god, Molly is so dramatic".
Sh*t you guys-I am so dramatic. But I'm fun at a party. People literally hire me to run their parties. And I've been to a lot of parties that need me to run it.
TBH, (to be honest) l embarrassed to read it. It's so something an actress like me would do.
But, it led me to have the confidence to write more about my struggle-the struggle is real y'all- and I was encouraged but not surprised that it resonated with people. I received loads of texts, emails, private messages. I'm so popular you guys.
But seriously, some thanking me because they too have a mental illness. Some reaching out to give me their support. Others just saying it was a breath of fresh air to hear something real.
Oh god. Now I have to show you what I wrote, and I really really want to comb through it and fix the drunken mistakes or TMI I might have said. I'll just close my eyes as you read it. Okay, go ahead.
My obligatory and somewhat brave post tonight and my (hopefully) new life in 2018. I know it's dramatic but that's who I am.
I know we all have our our lives and on FB, watch others lives and wonder. Are they happy? Do they make more money? Are they more perfect? Should I have that type of job? Should I be a stay at home mom? Dad?
I gather so much inspiration from many of you, some of you I actually see in real life and have spent this year lifting me up. After a year of mania and losing over 19 pounds, my long posts on FB, losing my mind over politics and so much more, I finally have a diagnosis that runs alongside my Common Variable Immune Deficiency, which many of you know I have due to seeing me receive weekly treatments. But a month ago, a new diagnosis that brought clarity to most of my adult life: Bipolar Disorder 2. My early 40’s has launched me into the throes of it and I am starting down another path and they run concurrent and often overlap. Still, I am optimistic and felt less alone and more empowered by a diagnosis. It has clarified what I want to do, who I want to be around, who I want to be. They say that crisis does that.
Some of you I have confided in, and others I have not. I was going to keep it off FB- but I know that means I’m hiding as this is my largest platform as an artist and performer and instructor. I can be a leader in demystifying the stigma of mental health and this is my goal for 2018.
I have been listening incessantly for the last ten years about blogging and the world of teaching online in my ears, to podcast, books, more more more, with no clear idea why. Now I know why. Or MAYBE I know why. Who knows? Who cares? I want to be brave.
My mind often will not rest or let me body rest and as I get sick more often I need a break or change from my numerous careers, I hope that my mind will let me do that. Because my body needs a break.
It's early days and this is a long game project for me, and I am used to short day projects. So I must be patient.
I hope this year will be a change my career into being an online artist and blogger/podcaster and take people through my journey and not be concerned about what others think of me. I've been told people think I have it together and sometimes I think I do. I’m lucky to have a great family and husband. But I am the same as you. I think of what everyone thinks of me. We all do. Let's make 2018 an honest year. At least the people who are looking at this. I'm tired of pretending.
So, I made a video. Because this has been a tough year on me, and as I've gathered from many posts from you, a tough year on many of you. So I've used video and pictures of those people that have inspired me to be brave, and some of you don't even know. And how many of us are comfortable in our homes in California and their is devastation happening that we need to open our minds to and not just realize it when it affects only us. And be inspired by people that are making change, being decisive, taking action.
This was just a version of the start of taking a stab at how my mind feels and I'm done being nervous about telling my story. Yes I get nervous too.
I think the more I tell mine the more others will tell theirs. I don't even think I know my story. I'm excited to find out and to figure out what my mind has been doing over the past year, the past ten years and even the past 25 without me even knowing it. I'm not sure I can upload my video, Fb might kick it off but I had fun doing it and some of you make cameos in it and you have HAVE to wait for the Rylie cameo at the end it's so sweet, but I'll try, but here is the link to my youtube channel and also you can see more of my story on my new updated new blog
Have a safe happy new year all! I am literally at home eating sushi in my new Xmas onesie that I got this year from my son Ryder and feeling optimistic. Thanks for being a part of my life...since I can't see you all in real life, I'm glad you're in it virtually or not. Despite wondering whether or not FB is good for us or not, it has brought me closer to you all those I would never see otherwise....I hope you'll check out the video. I'll try and post it on Studio Molly as well to see if it'll let me. Be safe all. See you on the other side, I will be asleep!
Am I glad I did it?
Okay, my eyes are open now.
Actually I think that was fairly eloquent for someone sitting in the WC editing. Yes, it is embarrassing to read something so self important but it did get me over a hump. I can now speak freely and set out to do what I've been wondering about for a while. How to me my natural normal self. Perhaps you've thought I've always been. I haven't. I'm just a good actor.
Join me in the conversation
What's your 2018 goal or truth that you'd like to get off your chest? Tell me about it here.