Wires crossed and the panic sets in

As of Friday night I am off any "brain" medication. 

I've weaned off of it over a month.

I'll just say eek, it's not starting off great. This is a test to see how my brain does. Does it go back to manic thinking, crossing wires, with little to zero focus? 

Yes I think it does.

Let me tell you a little about what it feels like.

Imagine having a conversation with someone and then having a third person change the subject about every 30 seconds.

Now imagine a fourth person coming into the conversation and every minute or so saying "this is totally normal, you're just making it up, keep working."

It's like that.

I spend a lot of my time thinking that the various doctors are wrong. That psychiatry is wrong. That because you can't measure a persons brain waves, I'm making this all up. 

I'm in a conundrum because a fairly large part of me feels like this past year was a complete fluke. That it was all hormonal and sort of one bad dream. That's what some people in my life think. 

I'll be honest, to be quite frank I'm a little worried I'm never going to be able to work on my own again. Hopefully I'm just being dramatic.

I thought long and hard about this blog post. What should I write about? What should I research? Then a little light went on in my head. Hmm...I'm not on any medication. 

Have I really lost my focus that quickly? Is it psychosomatic?

Followed by...

Shit.

So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take the pressure off myself. I'm going to do a midday meditation, have some tea and take some frickin' pressure off. 

That is all. 

 

 

 

Why I told people on FB I have a mental illness

It feels somewhat ridiculous to "come out" on Facebook as someone who has just been diagnosed bipolar 2.

Mostly because I hear people say, "I don't really go on there, I don't even care about it" and yet they seem to know what I ate last night for dinner. Taco salad if you're wondering.

Or, "Oh I just check it once in a while,  I use it mostly for business."  But in deeper conversations I hear, "It makes me feel bad about myself, I wonder why others have so much more, how much money do you think they make?" an on and on.

We also use it as a way to get back at each other. I've been known to put out the passive aggressive post that's actually aimed at one person.

Just me? Now I'm embarrassed.

I have, on more than one occasion, let loose, ranted, and in general voiced my frustration with the frickin' news and MULTIPLE persons have thought it was directed at them. Oddly, on each occasion that I've found out about this, it was not addressed to them. Maybe they see it as a reflection back at them? Boy that's deep. You're welcome.

Facebook has changed our lives for better or worse. Kinda like that Australian boyfriend who followed me from NYC to Cali and ran up a $200 Blockbuster (RIP) bill when he house sat for a neighbor.

What can I say? I liked his accent.

It is on FB that so many things happen. We constantly compare ourselves to each other, our democracy was literally hacked in this last election because of crazy Russian bots, and it always reminds us of what we don't have. Ugh, I'm completely stressed out now.

One of the ways I started to figure out that something was going down mentally for me was the ranting and raving I was doing on this god-love-it-hate-it platform. Close friends and family mentioned it politely while smiling at me through gritted teeth. I could see it. I could feel it. I was not able to control it. After about a year of having a full meltdown in front of everyone-well everyone online-AND in person-I like to go big in life- I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. 

And don't get huffy. I wasn't diagnosed because of what I was doing on FB...no no, this was a long time coming, but it was indeed a clue into my psychiatrist(s), I have two, yep, and my therapist. I've just got one of those.  

The decision to say something

I am at a point in my life where I'm tired y'all. I've literally been sick for 25 years and the last thing I need is to spend energy hiding something as big as mental illness from people who are friends, students, fans, and often, dare I say it, see me as a leader. Okay maybe not always a leader, but def know I have a big mouth and I'm not afraid to use it.

It was scary. It still is scary. At school drop off I wonder to myself-does that chick think I'm crazy? I saw a woman this morning looking at me kinda funny and thought, uh-oh she read my FB post! Uh-oh she read my blog! Or perhaps she saw a pic of me playing Britney Spears and thinks I'm a stripper.

Side note-I would have made a great stripper-but I've got cellulite now. I blame my grandmother. Thanks a lot Mamma. (RIP to you and your cellulite).

So on New Year's Eve, when EVERYONE was posting life changing, self-affirming statements towards their 2018 goals- btw-I was silently judging them- I thought "Hey! I don't want to be left out! I want t be judged too! Waaaaaaaahhhhh! Let's call it a giant case of FOMO.

That's fear of missing out for you non-abbreviation types. Lol. Omg. WTF-my absolute fav, obvi. 

To be honest I'm not sure I would have done it if I hadn't had a glass of wine or two...okay three. I sat there in my red snuggly onesie while we watched the ball drop-at 9pm East Coast feed -and quietly, so no one would change my mind, spilled my guts out.

Then I read it over and over again trying to decide if I should hit the post button.

Then I sat on the toilet and edited more.

Then I maybe finished my wine, can't remember.

And hit post.

Then immediately thought about all the people that were like "My god, Molly is so dramatic". 

Sh*t you guys-I am so dramatic. But I'm fun at a party. People literally hire me to run their parties. And I've been to a lot of parties that need me to run it.

TBH, (to be honest) l embarrassed to read it. It's so something an actress like me would do.

But, it led me to have the confidence to write more about my struggle-the struggle is real y'all- and I was encouraged but not surprised that it resonated with people. I received loads of texts, emails, private messages. I'm so popular you guys.

But seriously, some thanking me because they too have a mental illness. Some reaching out to give me their support. Others just saying it was a breath of fresh air to hear something real.

Oh god. Now I have to show you what I wrote, and I really really want to comb through it and fix the drunken mistakes or TMI I might have said. I'll just close my eyes as you read it. Okay, go ahead.

The post

My obligatory and somewhat brave post tonight and my (hopefully) new life in 2018. I know it's dramatic but that's who I am.

I know we all have our our lives and on FB, watch others lives and wonder. Are they happy? Do they make more money? Are they more perfect? Should I have that type of job? Should I be a stay at home mom? Dad?

I gather so much inspiration from many of you, some of you I actually see in real life and have spent this year lifting me up. After a year of mania and losing over 19 pounds, my long posts on FB, losing my mind over politics and so much more, I finally have a diagnosis that runs alongside my Common Variable Immune Deficiency, which many of you know I have due to seeing me receive weekly treatments. But a month ago, a new diagnosis that brought clarity to most of my adult life: Bipolar Disorder 2. My early 40’s has launched me into the throes of it and I am starting down another path and they run concurrent and often overlap. Still, I am optimistic and felt less alone and more empowered by a diagnosis. It has clarified what I want to do, who I want to be around, who I want to be. They say that crisis does that.

Some of you I have confided in, and others I have not. I was going to keep it off FB- but I know that means I’m hiding as this is my largest platform as an artist and performer and instructor. I can be a leader in demystifying the stigma of mental health and this is my goal for 2018.

I have been listening incessantly for the last ten years about blogging and the world of teaching online in my ears, to podcast, books, more more more, with no clear idea why. Now I know why. Or MAYBE I know why. Who knows? Who cares? I want to be brave.

My mind often will not rest or let me body rest and as I get sick more often I need a break or change from my numerous careers, I hope that my mind will let me do that. Because my body needs a break.

It's early days and this is a long game project for me, and I am used to short day projects. So I must be patient.

I hope this year will be a change my career into being an online artist and blogger/podcaster and take people through my journey and not be concerned about what others think of me. I've been told people think I have it together and sometimes I think I do. I’m lucky to have a great family and husband. But I am the same as you. I think of what everyone thinks of me. We all do. Let's make 2018 an honest year. At least the people who are looking at this. I'm tired of pretending.

So, I made a video. Because this has been a tough year on me, and as I've gathered from many posts from you, a tough year on many of you. So I've used video and pictures of those people that have inspired me to be brave, and some of you don't even know. And how many of us are comfortable in our homes in California and their is devastation happening that we need to open our minds to and not just realize it when it affects only us. And be inspired by people that are making change, being decisive, taking action.

This was just a version of the start of taking a stab at how my mind feels and I'm done being nervous about telling my story. Yes I get nervous too.

I think the more I tell mine the more others will tell theirs. I don't even think I know my story. I'm excited to find out and to figure out what my mind has been doing over the past year, the past ten years and even the past 25 without me even knowing it. I'm not sure I can upload my video, Fb might kick it off but I had fun doing it and some of you make cameos in it and you have HAVE to wait for the Rylie cameo at the end it's so sweet, but I'll try, but here is the link to my youtube channel and also you can see more of my story on my new updated new blog

Have a safe happy new year all! I am literally at home eating sushi in my new Xmas onesie that I got this year from my son Ryder and feeling optimistic. Thanks for being a part of my life...since I can't see you all in real life, I'm glad you're in it virtually or not. Despite wondering whether or not FB is good for us or not, it has brought me closer to you all those I would never see otherwise....I hope you'll check out the video. I'll try and post it on Studio Molly as well to see if it'll let me. Be safe all. See you on the other side, I will be asleep!

Am I glad I did it?

Okay, my eyes are open now.

Actually I think that was fairly eloquent for someone sitting in the WC editing. Yes, it is embarrassing to read something so self important but it did get me over a hump. I can now speak freely and set out to do what I've been wondering about for a while. How to me my natural normal self. Perhaps you've thought I've always been. I haven't. I'm just a good actor.

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Join me in the conversation

What's your 2018 goal or truth that you'd like to get off your chest? Tell me about it here.

Trying not to worry

Most of all our drama is wrapped up in worry.

Worry about the future, worry about losing our house (we rent ours so our landlord could literally say, hey guys I'm selling this place), worry about if our kids have may have made an fake Instagram account that someone caught....oh just me?

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My go to worry is to panic

and immediately try to fix it

By 1. Panicking 2. Getting experts to validate 3. Research 4. mMore worry 5. Calm the sh*t down and watch some television that's more no brainer. Right now those include Real Housewives and Keeping up with the Kardashians and I'm obsessed with The Profit, but then start to worry am I building a business that Marcus Lemonis would approve of? I know I'm dorky. He is my business guru.  But let's all remember that some people in the world watch Naked and Afraid, or Naked and First Date, and Naked and running from a bear or whatever it's called-so who don't you be judging me. 

For the past three days my I've napped at about 2 pm.

A hard nap, zonked out like a truck hit me. Then I went and looked at my labs and found out my thyroid has skyrocketed. Hashimoto's runs in my family and this is is hypothyroidism. I've noticed a slight tremor in my hand about 10 am, get anxious, run around cleaning or panicking I'm going to be late getting somewhere and then have rapid heart beat, calm down and then boom...after lunch I'm ready for a nap. But after speaking to my doctors it's because of a medicine I have been taking called Depakote and turns out my platelets have dropped. I worried less now as they said they are weaning me off that medication and going to let my platelets come back up and then we will see about something else.

I put on a podcast to put my mind at ease and sleep hard. 

And then I wake with worry. Because at first I thought it was the CVID acting as a problem people and there is a significant amount of people who have Common Variable Immune Deficiency that go on to get an autoimmune disease which is when your immune system, which defends your body against disease decides your healthy cells are foreign. As a result your immune system attacks healthy cells. An autoimmune disease can affect one or many different types of body tissue, depending on the type.  (Thanks google)

But that wasn't it at all.

Or so my doctors think. It was the Bipolar meds. Less you think, should on bipolar meds, aren't there side effects? Of course there are.  They worry me. To be honest I'm not sure. I'm not convinced of what to do yet.  I can't function without them yet so I'm on a path to have one fit on one side of the spectrum and one side of the other. I'm still learning and early. But I have two children who need a mother who can be them for them. I need to be able to sleep and eat, two of my biggest challenges.

And yes I  am worried about the medication.

I've already been taken off two meds because of adverse affects. 

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Rylie goes at lighting speed

Just like me. Let's see what she creates? I'm excited to watch what she does.

So after I got myself together, and after Rylie, my littlest five year old was losing her shi*t in the next room because she accidentally broke an ornament and was afraid I would be upset. (I thought those were shatter proof?????) Kurt and I made our sweet potato and black bean chili and my awesome guacamole. It's really the only thing I'm good at cooking wise so far. Ii'll have to start getting better because I committed whole foods diet is in my future. 

And the worry subsided and we watched non fluff television, an inspiration series made by RedBull Documentaries Called Visions of Greatness

Worry is a naturally part of this process and something that learning meditation, and putting systems in place will help me worry less. A friend of mine, considered a mentor now is going to help me learn to change my inner mantra of I'm going to die to I'm going to live. That should be interesting and fun and something Molly last year would never have done.

Thanks for listening,

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Do you worry too? What about? You can tell me here.