A few steps forward a couple steps back
Merry post Christmas!
It's been a flurry of activity and we are almost to the 2018 and I have good days and I have bad days. Some days I'm wrestling with my mind which ramps up and other days I'm wrestling with my body which is breaking down. It is very obvious that I need to rest. It is so difficult for me to be patient and know that this will all work out in time.
My life has been confusing because it's difficult to tell when I'm "acting" at being calm and when I actually feel calm. I've been diagnosed Bipolar 2 disorder for about a month now and it's different than any other "project" I've ever had to work on in my life. It comes with doctors appointments, meds, therapy appointments, sickness, too much meds, changing meds, ER visits (well one actually that I will detail for you-both hilarious and scary), meditation, living with the knowledge that people don't believe it's an actual disorder, or that it comes with a deep amount of shame, or that I'm doing something the wrong way. Everyone has an opinion, just the world has an opinion. You read articles, they all contradict each other. So I go with my gut. And I lean on Kurt to help me with that instinct.
I've been sick this holiday season and had to go for a round of antibiotics.
All the while, I continue my opposite life: two flash mobs, a Studio Molly Cool Yule Dance classes, a fun live holiday video card that I produced for Fleet Feet Menlo Park, it's awesome check it out here! I edited all day on Christmas Eve day in a state of flow leading to believe, oh maybe this is what I should be doing. I have so many ideas all day long. I keep waiting to say, this is the last one. But it doesn't come yet.
I'm not done being an artist. I want to create still. Still a week off should not feel like it's going to kill me. But it kinda does, in a weird way. Like I'm not feeding myself somehow.
We make Christmas special for my kids, and then I start to worry that it's too special. That they grow up with a sense of doing no service in the world and that's mainly because I'm so busy thinking, doing projects for Studio Molly. And so I turn to a project that will add value to the world that I plan to release this week. And so I got sick and then that is why at midnight I simply posted on Christmas eve that I was tired and sick, and posted yet another video, since I had been in the recording studio I took advantage of some of my time. I'm just being honest. It's rewarding and at same time it's hard. Hard for me to stop. I take advantage of every opportunity. As if I'm running out of time. And now maybe I am running out of time because I can't stop. So I guess this is not a good week for me, I would say. That's okay. Patience.
It has become obvious in the last three days that my body is starting to give out. I have to change. I will not be able to sustain at the level I'm going and I'll write more about that. I think my job now is to wait, be patient and see if something will come along to help me with that transition, rather than trying to pull myself up and make something happen. Just sit and be still for a while. The hardest thing for me to be.