Today I felt an old friend come back.
Perhaps it's psychosomatic due to a reduction in medication. Or perhaps that medicine is working its way out of my body and brain a whole lot faster than I imagined and leaving me with the realization that I am going to try and move forward on my own.
Why do humans have the knack for forecasting the future when we are usually incorrect?
The reason I am able to write on this blog daily is because I have let go of any outcome and see it as a ritual. I won't become rich and famous from it and yet it has given me valuable lessons.
1. I can indeed sit down for an hour everyday and write.
I thought I would have difficulty coming up with things to write. Somedays it's more difficult than others. I have learned to trust the process and simply begin writing. Letting go of the idea that this is for anyone, and worse, everyone all at the same time, it releases a freedom from within and out it comes.
2. One simple daily practice eventually turns into a collection
I make things so complicated. I overthink. We all do. However, now after committing to writing daily Monday through Friday as part of my practice I have over 40 essays that I can be proud of.
They may not change the world but they've done a whole lot for me. They've shown me patterns, proven to me that I have the ability to focus, and I've felt the joy of actually learning something new. How to write.
I'm not the worst writer. I'm not the best writer. I'm a better writer than I was last month and that is of value. It has certainly has given me a sense of accomplishment. That's what we all strive for isn't it?
3. I have gained more and more confidence each day.
At first writing was mega gut wrenching. I thought long and hard about what people would say, how they might judge me and then I had a realization. People don't really care. They may think about me while reading a post, but there's so much frickin' stuff going on in our world that out the window it flies once they see that next blog post.
I've got my friends, family and relationships that are in line with my values and that's good enough.
But now as I take a step towards some sort of outside work in creeps that old friend overwhelm.
I know my old way of working will not be sustainable if I want to stay healthy both mentally and physically. The old way sends me into a spiraling maniacal maze of wires crossing and pond jumping rather than climbing one ring at a time.
And so a new 30 days begin. I will apply the same technique as daily blogging with a new section of my work. I'm not going to write or talk about it in an effort to keep the energy within the work.
I have made a pact with myself to not change the project mid month. This is the most difficult thing for me. But I know this is the key. This project will simply be what it is. If it needs to stand on its own after I'm done that's what it's going to do. If it wants to grow then I will grow with it.
And guess what? Another 30 days is around the corner.
I will use the same technique I have used with writing. Gut instinct.
After 30 days I will see what value it holds for me.
See you on the other side. And yes, I'll still be here writing.