Wires crossed and the panic sets in
As of Friday night I am off any "brain" medication.
I've weaned off of it over a month.
I'll just say eek, it's not starting off great. This is a test to see how my brain does. Does it go back to manic thinking, crossing wires, with little to zero focus?
Yes I think it does.
Let me tell you a little about what it feels like.
Imagine having a conversation with someone and then having a third person change the subject about every 30 seconds.
Now imagine a fourth person coming into the conversation and every minute or so saying "this is totally normal, you're just making it up, keep working."
It's like that.
I spend a lot of my time thinking that the various doctors are wrong. That psychiatry is wrong. That because you can't measure a persons brain waves, I'm making this all up.
I'm in a conundrum because a fairly large part of me feels like this past year was a complete fluke. That it was all hormonal and sort of one bad dream. That's what some people in my life think.
I'll be honest, to be quite frank I'm a little worried I'm never going to be able to work on my own again. Hopefully I'm just being dramatic.
I thought long and hard about this blog post. What should I write about? What should I research? Then a little light went on in my head. Hmm...I'm not on any medication.
Have I really lost my focus that quickly? Is it psychosomatic?
So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take the pressure off myself. I'm going to do a midday meditation, have some tea and take some frickin' pressure off.
That is all.